"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
