I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
