My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
