we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
