Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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