i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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