I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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