If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
foreskin is a definite game changer
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm getting married
To pizza
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
