Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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