Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
