Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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