dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
