theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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