it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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