Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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