I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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