He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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