If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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