I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
