I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this just has baby written all over it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
my poor anus
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
