he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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