i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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