1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
