I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found puke in my bra..
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
