What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
