She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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