Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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