Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
