I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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