I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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