No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
