Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
