the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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