Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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