We named our party play list daddy issues
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't deserve a penis
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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