I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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