i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
