I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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