We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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