I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
