a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's always time for handjobs
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
