In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
