So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
