it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
