Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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