I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
