Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
