Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
