You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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