The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
