so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
