I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
50% drunk capacity currently
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i think i just lost a toe
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
