Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
