he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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